By Melissa Walsh

February is “Hockey is for Everyone” (HIFE) month, celebrating what makes hockey a wonderful sport for so many -- the joy of knowing community in the hockey club and the empowerment of playing the hockey game. From Mini Mites getting fitted for their first pair of skates to middle-aged women shooting a puck for the first time, anyone who commits him- or herself to giving hockey a try learns quickly how exhilarating hockey feels. Overcoming the fear of getting started initiates a person into hockey-playing society, a special camaraderie that those who have never been on the players’ side of the glass can not fully understand. Only hockey players know the sound of blades scraping the ice, the echo of the puck careening off the boards, the wind in the face while rushing with the flow of the play, the adrenaline surge felt during that third-period second wind, and the fraternity/sorority experienced in the room and on the bench.

The hockey-playing experience is something special and should be available for anyone who wants it. This is one reason why I’m a fan of Disabled Hockey programs. Another reason is that Disabled Hockey offers observers entertainment in witnessing incredible skill presented on the ice and inspiration in triumphant player stories.

Not only do Disabled Hockey programs pursue the goal of everyone getting the opportunity to play, they exhibit so vividly and profoundly the heart of the hockey player and the spirit of the game. Below are six truths about hockey that Disabled Hockey reveals so well:

1- Hockey is for everyBODY.
There are four categories of Disabled Hockey: Standing/Amputee Hockey, Sled Hockey (called “Sledge Hockey” outside the United States), Deaf/Hard of Hearing Hockey, and Special Hockey.

For many who suffer a life-changing event resulting in loss of limbs or use of limbs, they may pursue playing hockey via Sled Hockey and Standing/Amputee Hockey. In fact, Sled Hockey was first developed in Stolckholm, Sweden, in the early 1960s by lovers of the game, who despite losing use of their legs, wanted to continue playing hockey. The rules are the same; just the equipment is different. In Standing/Amputee Hockey, players use prostheses for stickhandling or skating. In Sled Hockey, special sleds and sticks are designed for the sport. The “bench” area is usually on the ice, as most rink benches are not accessible by sled. A national Sled Hockey team competes in the Paralympics.

In Deaf/Hard of Hearing Hockey, the rules are the same. The difference is that the practice and game environments are customized to meet the needs of players diagnosed with hearing loss. For example, sign language interpreters may be present to assist. Some Deaf/Hard of Hearing Hockey players play for a local association or school team, in addition to a Deaf/Hard of Hearing Hockey team. USA Hockey enters a team in the Deaflympics.

Special Hockey programs are designed for players with developmental disabilities. The rules are different in that there are no offsides and icing infractions or penalties called. There are no tryouts and usually no separate age groups. However, some players may participate in a local association team or school team, in addition to a Special Hockey team.

2- There is only one requirement to play hockey: to love the game.
Every hockey player must pursue his or her own desire to play. Therefore, the most fundamental requirement for playing hockey is simply to want to play hockey purely for the fun of the game, for teamwork, and for making friends. EveryBODY who loves the game should have the chance to play the game, and Disabled Hockey demonstrates that if you build a program to meet players’ needs, you will attract great lovers of this great sport.

3- There is only one goal of the hockey player: to give their best effort.
The American Special Hockey Association has a great tagline: “Where every player is a star.” What is a hockey star? A hockey player playing his or her best every game, every shift, every moment on the ice. This character strength, this work ethic, carries into life off the ice. Being a “hockey star” hones perseverance, mental and physical toughness, and sense of team in all aspects of life.

4- All hockey players have hockey skills.
With practice and continual pursuit of playing their best every game, all hockey players evolve hockey skills. If you’ve ever seen a Sled Hockey competition, you know what I mean. Sled Hockey players develop amazing skills in dribbling the puck under the sled, in maneuvering the sled to gain zone or rub out an opponent to win a battle, in saucing passes to teammates on the move, etc. It’s excellent hockey in entertainment value.

5- Playing hockey is empowering.
Overcoming the fear of getting started playing hockey and then progressing in evolving skills with practice and competition is one of the most empowering experiences anyone can have. Building relationships with teammates, and even opponents, is a mighty force for significant friendship. And competing with a triumphant will-to-win determination is a power that prevails in a player’s life.

6- Playing hockey is a joyful pursuit for anyBODY.
Playing hockey is fun. Memories of special games endure in stories told and photos framed. Support from teammates during life’s ups and downs is close; encouragement is sincere. A smile from a coach may cure a tinge of self-doubt; laughs in the room or on the bus or bench heal the soul. Winning the cup -- priceless.
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Link to USA Hockey Disabled Hockey Webpage
Link to the American Special Hockey Website
Link about this year’s HIFE activities during Hockey Weekend Across America
“Hockey Day in Canada” is Feb. 9. “Hockey Day in America” is Feb. 15-17.

​© 2013 Melissa Walsh

By Melissa Walsh

To understand hockey, you have to be aware of the core reason driving any hockey player at any level to choose to play hockey: it’s the love of the game. Whether a player is a mite, a pro player, or a beer leaguer, he won’t play, I mean really play with the will to win, unless he has within him a dynamic passion for playing his best, a joy of being a hockey player. Good hockey parents are aware of this overarching hockey truth, which motivates their approach to hockey parenting. Good hockey parents know that only one thing fuels a kid to play hockey to his or her best ability -- a self-driven and self-nourished love for the game.
​
Below are ten more things good hockey parents know about hockey:

1. Playing hockey is difficult.
The most efficient means of becoming a good hockey parent is simple: play hockey. Not only is playing hockey the best way to appreciate the difficulty of moving a puck with a stick on ice as fast as you can through traffic; it is the only way to feel the joy of being a hockey player.

2. The kids can’t hear you from behind the glass, and shouldn’t anyway.
Cheering is friendly white noise in a rink, but screaming is not. It’s just annoying for the people nearby. Most glass-lickers give themselves away as not knowing much about hockey. And even if they do know something, they don’t know what the coach is specifically instructing to develop his team and compete.

3. You gotta lose to know how to win.
As Steven Tyler sings in “Dream On,” it’s true that losing teaches skills for winning. Losing grows humility and strength in character and allows adults to model and encourage the benefits of perseverance and hard work to kids. Losing also creates a baseline for a coach to use as a measurement for development. For example, if at the beginning of a season, a team loses to a more highly skilled team by six goals, but ties the same team later in the season, the coach has a metric to gauge how his team is developing.

4. Good refs “manage” the game, not necessarily call everything.
The on-ice officials don’t call every penalty and infraction. It’s impossible to call everything, and it’s not even ideal for an official to blow the whistle for everything that may sort of resemble an offense. The game is just too fast. Good refs manage the game by protecting the flow of the game while ensuring the game is not being played recklessly. This officiating finesse becomes increasingly more important up the youth hockey levels. Bantam and Midget games are played so fast, so tenaciously, and fueled primarily by testosterone surges. Good refs at these levels apply wisdom in making calls to avoid fighting and overly aggressive tactics, for example, by sending opposing players to the box with offset roughing calls, giving them time to cool down.

5. There are no shortcuts to becoming an elite hockey player.
Nepotism might get your kid a spot on an elite team for a season or two, but it won’t make him an elite athlete. Only self-driven hard work and determination will sustain a kid with some God-given strength and talent at an elite level of hockey. Forcing a kid to take 500 shots in the garage every night won’t do it either. A player’s regimen of working on his strength and skills outside team practice must be his idea. He has to want to become an elite hockey player on his own. Parents can only encourage and applaud his effort, not drive it.

6. Team momentum requires a team dynamic.
Any coach will tell you that without the ingredient of fraternity, or sorority for girls, teams do not experience team success. There must be a bond among the players. They must play for each other, supporting each other. Good hockey parents don’t encourage or contribute to gossip or criticism of their son’s or daughter’s teammates. And they do what they can to support a climate of friendship among the players in the room and the parents in the lobby.

7. The kids will remember a good coach, not a team’s season rankings.
Good hockey parents are more concerned with finding their youth player a good coach than landing him on a highly ranked team. Good coaches are not necessarily the winningest coaches, especially among the little-kid ranks of Mites and Squirts. Good hockey development requires good habits. And game-winning tactics, like a consistent dump-and-chase approach, are not the same as good hockey habits, like growing a confidence to try to dangle the puck through traffic or feed a pass to a teammate under pressure.

8. There is a language known as hockey speak.
“Headman” is verb. “Sauce” does not come in a can or jar. Good hockey parents are proficient in hockey speak.

9. Hockey has a code, and it’s good.
School has a code. Hockey has a code. Good hockey parents teach their kids that these codes are both good, yet different. They instruct their kids not to mix the two codes up, and they stress that the hockey code carries over into adulthood.

10. Each youth hockey player must own his or her hockey experience.
The youth hockey experience is a gift to kids given to them by their parents. There is no ROI for a hockey parent other than knowing that their kid is enjoying hockey and growing a love for the game that will likely last a lifetime.

​© 2013 Melissa Walsh

By Melissa Walsh

"So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act." 
— Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!

In this early part of my rookie season as a U8 hockey coach, I’m highly alert to two sets of wisdom: 1- insight into how little kids think; and 2- statements about how respected coaches think. I want to blend that wisdom and package it into how I interact with our Mite hockey players on the ice, on the bench, and in the room. I understand my role as nurturing their love for the game, which is achieved by teaching and motivating. It is the great balancing act of the youth hockey coach.

An often repeated Scotty Bowman quote is: “The better the coaching has become, the worse the game has become.” I couldn’t find the original context for this quote on the Internet. But as a mom of four hockey players, I’ll take a stab at this quote’s implication for youth hockey: Nailing the Xs and Os is far less important than evolving a coaching finesse for motivating players, bringing alive their passion for playing the game, and channeling every player’s innate will to win.
In his hockey memoir, The Game, Ken Dryden shared in detail his perspective of Scotty Bowman and his style of coaching. He said that Bowman understood his players very well, yet didn’t seek to befriend them. He had a talent for motivating players, getting all of his players to dig deeper. He earned respect and trust from the players. And, according to Dryden, Bowman did not employ systems. Rather he brought to each game “a plan” for “getting the right players on the ice.”

What does this imply for those of us coaching the game’s youngest players? If we are to coach Bowman-style, we will know our players. We will treat our child players like children. We will praise them concretely for skating hard and tackling a new skill. We won’t force systems; our practice and game plans will give them room to hone creativity and hockey sense. We will grow their love for the game.

We will find a way to develop each kid on the roster, despite the team’s vast range in skill level. How? By enhancing the will to win in every player. During every practice drill, each player should sense his or her potential as an athlete. Practices should be fun, and heads should be sweaty when the helmets come off after practice. And during every shift of every game, each player’s confidence must grow. Effective youth coaches use “mistakes” as teaching moments, not open opportunities to belittle players.

I’ve been hearing so much complaining around the rink about USA Hockey’s revised Coaching Education Program and its new rules, which are rooted in LTAD (Long Term Athlete Development) and the ADM (American Development Model). Indeed, USA Hockey’s new approach is forcing significant change and cutting into the agenda of many coaches, most who are far more seasoned in this sport than me. As a hockey mom who has seen up close the good, bad and the ugly of youth hockey, I support and applaud USA Hockey’s LTAD approach. I believe that with its effort to foster each kid’s love for hockey and chance to evolve creativity in playing hockey, USA Hockey is redeeming some of the best aspects of pond hockey and giving the game back to whom it should belong — to the kids.

As Don Cherry said, “People think common sense is common, but it’s not.” USA Hockey is forcing common sense on youth hockey coaches. Next, I hope they’ll develop an education program of common sense for our hockey parents.

​© 2011 Melissa Walsh

By Melissa Walsh
​They open their own jars, kill their own bugs, and mow their own lawns. They not only own toolboxes; they know exactly how to use the right tools to fix a leaky faucet, change a brake light, repair a vacuum cleaner, install a screen door, or assemble a backyard playscape.

Who are these guys? These guys are single moms who've manned up to lead fatherless families. They're strong. They're tough. They're mighty.

Are they scary? Sometimes, if you get in their way. Mean? If necessary. Defensive? You bet. Single moms run on adrenaline daily to go the distance to care for their families. So don't label them “needy,” and their kids “at risk.”

Okay, I had fun writing the above caricature of the super strong single mom. I can do this, because for many years I was that “guy,” that hybrid dad/mom fearlessly leading and defending her fam through life's crazy highs and lows. I was courageous and driven to raise and protect my kids and certainly wasn't looking for sympathy or thanksgiving baskets. I didn't have the time or patience for a mentoring program.

From those around me (relatives, friends, co-workers), I did crave some recognition and respect for how strong I had to be every day and regular doses of encouragement to keep going strong. From time to time, I needed a quick reminder to stay brave and stay close to God. I needed help remembering that God truly loved me and my boys and wants the best for us. I needed help in growing my faith in God's promise that I would get through this long, hard season and that my boys and I would make it through to the other side.

Being a strong single mom dramatically altered my character. During those years of manning up as a single mom, I became super strong, mostly an asset to my character, but at times a shortcoming. I became so strong that it became difficult for me to feel compassion for and with people whom I perceived as emotionally weak.

During your thrilling and harrowing single-mom adventures, allow God's strength to flow through all you do and all you say. Instead of sporting an “S” on your chest and a cape on your back, you may just want to hang a simple cross around your neck as a symbol of how you found your amazing single-mom strength.

When you have to become the rock, you eventually get out of practice being warm and soft.

Recently I admitted to a friend that I feel really awkward when I find myself in a setting where women are crying, like in a Bible study or prayer circle. I look around and find that I'm the only one in the room not crying. I think, “What's wrong with me? Should I be crying?”

The friend said, “You know, Jesus wept.” He was referring to John 11:35, when Jesus burst into tears upon hearing of his friend Lazarus' death. That got me thinking. In this passage, the Greek for “wept” can also be translated as “shed tears.” Jesus' eyes didn't just tear up; he burst into tears. He cried. He grieved with those who grieved.

You don't get any stronger than Jesus. So how do we balance super strength like Jesus' with authentic compassion and empathy for others? When it comes to loving God and others, how can we be both a rock and a soft place to land?

I think that Romans 12 tells us exactly how to be strong God's way:

1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Godʼs will is –his good, pleasing and perfect will.
3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lordʼs people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for Godʼs wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

So here are biblical guidelines for being “single mom strong”: 1- be a “living sacrifice;” 2- serve others humbly; and 3- love God and others sincerely. There it is. Romans 12 is God's prescription for being strong, including falling into the difficult role of becoming super hero (or super shero) for your kids.

During your thrilling and harrowing single-mom adventures, allow Godʼs strength to flow through all you do and all you say. Instead of sporting an “S” on your chest and a cape on your back, you may just want to hang a simple cross around your neck as a symbol of how you found your amazing single-mom strength.

By Melissa Walsh

​One of my favorite books is The Jesus I Never Knew by Phil Yancey. Over 15 years ago, when I first read it, my imagination was swept away with Yancey’s challenge to think of Jesus as a real person, living with a real family, having real friends, real feelings, real problems, real pain, real joy. I imagined Jesus as a little boy with a cute little boy laugh, as a lanky teen goofing off with his brothers, as a young man taking care of his mom, making new friends, and being rejected by the people of his home town. I saw Jesus as a renegade peacemaker, as a champion for women, as the voice of the marginalized, as an advocate for the poor, as a guy who had compassion for kids, as a courageous speaker, as an amazingly brilliant storyteller, and as a man with a fantastic sense of wit.

This week, I reread The Jesus I Never Knew for the third or fourth time. This time Yancey jumped out of the pages and grabbed my attention with these words: “I do not get to know God, then do his will; I get to know him by doing his will.”

But how can we know we’re in God’s will? How do we know if our vision matches God’s?

My experiences have taught me that doing God’s will requires my stepping out into the unknown. It requires purity in my intentions. God’s vision has no room for my pride and selfishness. It requires prayer without ceasing.

An Irish hymn I love explains how to discern whether your vision matches God’s vision. Here’s the first verse:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart; Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art. Thou my best Thought, by day or by night, Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

You know God’s will, or vision, by thinking about him ... all the time. Still unclear? Let’s look at what it means to cast a vision in scripture.

Luke 5:1-11 is an awesome cast-a-vision story. It’s kind of a funny story too.

1 One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. 
2 He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 
3 He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 
4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” 
5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” 
6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 
7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. 
8 When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” 
9 For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, 
10 and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners.  Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” 
11 So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

Picture it. Imagine how this might have played out? I see Simon Peter muttering under his breath about Jesus as he rows out to deeper water. I see him totally rolling his eyes and whispering to his buddies, “This guy’s nuts, man.”

Then bingo, bango, whamo, fish are ripping the nets, and the boat is beginning to sink because the catch is so enormous. I wonder if Jesus had a good laugh. I bet the disciples chuckled later as they retold this story around the campfire. That Jesus ... he’s full of surprises.

When my first marriage was in jeopardy, I prayed and prayed and prayed a simple request. “Lord, please help my family. Save this marriage,” I begged God each night as I cried myself to sleep. The prayer was so desperate. I was so scared. My sons were just babies. “Certainly, God will show up,” I thought. “He will make things right. He will protect us from the evil forces that were attacking the marriage.”

When the marriage ended, my simple and desperate prayer became, “Lord, help me learn about boys. Give me the wisdom to raise boys well.” This became my prayer many years ago and is still my prayer today.

When my oldest son was in third grade, I was offered an interview for a marketing position with Snap-on Diagnostics in Auburn Hills. I was living in Grosse Pointe at the time caring for my four young sons and working as a freelance writer. My first inclination was to turn down the interview for this position. Commuting an hour away would be too hard on my boys, I reasoned. In addition, I had been a publishing professional my entire career and wasn’t at all interested in switching industries. However, a friend talked me into at least going to the interview.

A couple days after the interview, I was offered the job. Though I wasn’t happy about it, the money and benefits were good; so I accepted it. After just a few months into the job, I started to enjoy working in the automotive service and repair industry. I enjoyed learning about the diagnostic tool I was marketing. I enjoyed traveling with the OEM customers to speak with the tool endusers, dealership mechanics. I enjoyed learning from the mechanics and getting familiar with the shop environment. After about two years at Snap-on, I went back to college for applied engineering (auto tech). I found myself in automotive electronics and engine-repair classes with all men, mostly very young men fresh out of high school. I became more and more familiar with guys and their experiences.

When I was notified that I was being laid off from Snap-on, I was devastated. I loved working in the automotive service and repair industry. After an anxious three months of trying to land another job in that industry, I was offered a position in military vehicle logistics with General Dynamics Land Systems. Though I wasn’t eager to join the defense industry, the salary and benefits were good. And I was happy to find myself in a shop environment again, this time working alongside several former and active-duty service men and women.

After a few weeks with GDLS, it hit me. God answered my prayer. He answered big. Boy oh boy, was he ever teaching me about guys. By leading me into the deep waters of two extremely masculine industries, God answered my request to gain boy-rearing wisdom.

It’s like God was saying to me, “Okay, Melissa, think about it now. I wanted you to venture out into the deep waters of car repair. You didn’t want to go, but you went. Then I sent you into the even deeper waters of military vehicle programs. You didn’t want to go, but you went. All the while you were casting your net to catch wisdom about raising boys. So tell me, what did you catch?”
I started to sense God’s loving laughter as I hoisted bountiful nets of boy wisdom into my boat. And I laughed with him.

These days, I frequently come home from the office to a house packed with teen boys. It’s great. Those squirrelly boys, with their endless appetites, testosterone spikes, loudness, and stinky shoes, are part of that pure vision I cast long ago. Those wonderful boys, with their keen senses, sharp minds, and potential for greatness, are essential to God’s unshakable purpose. It’s an honor and a joy to know them and care for them. (I may not appear to be joyful when they break things, but deep down I truly am.)

With a pure heart, cast your vision. God will bring your vision to life. It will become so lively and abundant, that it will surprise you. It might even make you laugh.

Share your story with us: What vision have you cast for you family? What have you found in the net?

But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28